


Throw my better self overboard

by zinabug



Series: we're just a million miles from home [6]
Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, I'm not sure of thats a CW or not but he does and better safe then sorry, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts, but it's mechs so it's fine, jonny thinks about murder a lot?, me: okay but what if it was sad, nobody:, the captain-first-mate-thing but I made it sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24474595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zinabug/pseuds/zinabug
Summary: Jonny & Nastya, post-airlocking and more Jonny-centric then normal because boy am I having emotions.-“I’m captain.” Jonny said.The rest of the crew stared at him in silence, before Tim spoke up. “First mate.”Jonny stood up, kicking his chair to the side. “I was first mate and She is gone which makes me the fucking captain.” He snarled.
Relationships: Dr Carmilla & Jonny d'Ville, Jonny d'Ville & Nastya Rasputina
Series: we're just a million miles from home [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1685929
Comments: 25
Kudos: 171





	Throw my better self overboard

**Author's Note:**

> this was written on my phone in the middle of the night so I apologize for typos, etc. 
> 
> CW'S IN THE TAGS
> 
> title from heel turn 2 by the mountain goats

“I’m captain.” Jonny said. 

The rest of the crew stared at him in silence, before Tim spoke up. “First mate.” 

Jonny stood up, kicking his chair to the side. “I was first mate and She is gone which  _ makes me the fucking captain _ .” He snarled. 

“First mate.” Ashes said quietly.

“DO YOU KNOW WHAT FIRST MATE MEANS? I TAKE OVER FOR THE CAPTAIN. AND SHE'S GONE.” He yelled. She was gone. He needed to fill the empty place and make it  _ real.  _ Make it certain she was really gone for good and there were no empty places for her to fill. 

“I’m sorry.” Nastya said. “First mate. We can’t have a captain.” 

The others nodded, or averted their eyes from Jonny’s own as he glared at them. 

“Why?” He asked, so much calmer than the anger and fear and pain swirling in his chest.

Nastya just shook her head.

Jonny turned and ran out of the room, hiding tears and feeling like a child. 

* * *

He found himself in the captain's quarters. 

Carmilla never slept there, if she slept at all, and it was dusty and cold and full of spiderwebs. He’d tracked footprints across the dust on the floor and even just a light touch to the bed and brought up a cloud of dust that he couldn’t breathe through. 

_ She’d made him immortal, but he was still allergic to dust?  _

The room was dark. He’d tried the lights, but either they were broken or the Aurora wouldn’t let him turn them on. He didn’t like it, didn’t like how the cobwebs in the shadows swaying in the breeze from the vents moved. 

He didn’t feel alone and he hated it. 

_ Carmilla had never slept in this room as far as he knew she’d never set foot in it-  _ and yet she was everywhere. 

He was shivering and alone again, miserably huddled on this stupid chair. He wasn't going near the bed. 

_ It was the dust that was the only reason his chest was so tight, the only reason his eyes were watering like that.  _

Jonny D’Ville was nothing if not a very stubborn man, and he was going to spend a night in this room, as much as it hurt. 

He didn’t want to remember, but there’s not much else you can do when you’re alone in the dark. 

He remembered so much pain and so many long years but there were still moments that stood out. 

Nastya, dying in his arms the first  _ and second, and third _ time. 

The first time he shot Carmilla 

Nastya, cold and huddled with him somewhere in the depths of the ship. 

Ashes, waking up and the anger and sadness he’d felt,  _ another person like them.  _

Every single member of the crew joining, standing out sharply and painfully in his mind. 

Jonny pulled his knees close to his chest and closed his eyes. He was going to need some really good violence to forget about this for a decent amount of time. Maybe he’d be lucky and he’d get killed somehow and stay dead for a whole week again. That had always been unreliable- sometimes he’d be dead for less than a second, sometimes almost a whole hour, or even sometimes a day or two. 

He fiddled with his pistol, wondering if it’d be worth it to just die right now for at least a second of relief. And he was going to do it too, but someone knocked on the door, quietly and three times. 

Nastya. 

Jonny set his gun down and stood up to open the door for her. He didn’t know why- he was still angry at the rest of the crew- but he opened the door anyway and let her push past him inside. 

The Aurora immediately turned the lights on. 

_ Fucking-  _

Nastya frowned around at the room. “Jonny, I know you are upset about what happened earlier, and no, I’m not sorry and I won’t back down. But I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be alone in here.” 

Jonny glared at her and wished he still had his gun. He wasn’t sure if it was to shoot himself or Nastya. Maybe both of them. 

“You don’t have to talk to me- I just couldn’t leave you alone in here.” 

Jonny couldn’t admit he was grateful she was here, that he hated being alone, so he just nodded and sat down on the floor. She sat down in his chair, taking his pistol and pocketing it. 

The two of them sat in silence like they had for so many nights before. Jonny’s fingers itched for his pistol, to only feel blind rage and cause bloodshed- his own or others, he didn’t care. 

He’d never felt like that before and it scared him, but he  _ liked it.  _

Jonny knew he was losing his mind, and it didn’t bother him very much. 

Nastya shifted on the chair, her glasses flashing in the dim light. Jonny closed his eyes. 

“Why do you think we can’t have a captain?” He asked. The question felt foolish and petty but he needed to know. 

“You know that Carmilla was captain in everything but name” Nastya pulled her coat tighter across her shoulders. “It feels wrong to have someone in that role, with that much power- and I know you would be better than her, but even you can’t deny you’d make stupid choices that would hurt the Aurora and get us killed again.” 

Jonny really couldn’t deny it. He was so driven by the violent impulses that he loved and terrified him equally- he was sure to make lots of decisions like that. 

He could understand it. But it still didn’t feel right. 

“Why are you so insistent on being captain?” Nastya asked. 

“I don’t want to leave the empty space for the memory of her to fill.” Jonny growled. “The  _ good doctor  _ hurt us so much already and I don’t want to remember her as much as I can.” 

He left the unspoken words between them -  _ and if she comes back again, I want her to know there isn’t a place here for her anymore.  _

Nastya nodded. “I understand- but I don’t think you’ll be able to sway the rest of the crew.” 

“And you?”

“I- I don’t know.” Nastya spoke carefully, but she couldn’t keep the slight stammer out of her voice. 

The two of them faded into silence again. 

It was most of the way through the night when Jonny decided he didn’t care. 

He just didn’t. About basically anything. He was going to do his own thing, whether that meant going absolutely batshit crazy and doing some murder, or playing harmonica for three hours straight. 

Jonny leaned his head back against the wall and smiled. 


End file.
